Have you heard the term ‘demisexual’ bandied about, but aren’t 100% sure what it means? Don’t worry. You aren’t alone.
Demisexual is a term that is pretty new to our lexicon, but something that people have had to deal with for many years prior.
It just so happens to have a name now. On this page, we are going to walk you through what demisexuality actually is. Hopefully, by the end of this page, you will have a decent idea. It means you can go out there armed with the knowledge that most people could never even hope to have!
WHAT IS DEMISEXUAL AND IT’S MEANING?
For most people, looking at somebody that is incredibly hot and sexy looking is enough to give us sexual attraction. It doesn’t mean that we are going to sleep with that person, but we know that if we had the opportunity to do so, we would probably just go for it.
It is part of the reason why porn is so popular. Humans can generally form a sexual attraction to a decent looking person. It is biological. We are a little bit hesitant to say that it is the ‘normal’ way of thinking because it isn’t. We are now starting to realize that humans are different when it comes to sexual attraction. However, it is pretty much safe to say that most people will fall under the category of this i.e. sexual attraction to somebody that looks good in their eyes.
When you are a demisexual, things work a little bit differently. You are going to experience sexual attractions, but not right away. In fact, experiencing sexual attraction is going to be rare.
Demisexuals can only experience a sexual attraction once they have managed to form a bond with somebody. This will be a strong emotional bond. Like, they feel that they have some sort of attachment to a person and, as a result, this ‘breeds’ the attraction for them.
We suppose the best way to think about it is if you are married. You no doubt have a ton of sexual attraction to your wife or husband, right? You probably want them more now than you did when you first met them (hopefully). You certainly couldn’t see yourself being with anybody else. This is because you have built up that bond that makes the two of you right for one another. You want each other partly because of that emotional bond. We know that this is not the best way to explain the situation, but we have seen many demisexuals use the same answer.
Now, this is the part where things may get a little bit confusing for some. You see, the ’emotional attachment’ required will vary from person to person. For some demisexuals, it does not mean that you need to be ‘head over heels’ in love with somebody. It just means an emotional attachment. This could be a sexual attraction to a friend. It could mean sexual attraction to somebody you aren’t really friends with, but that person has been in your life a lot. There just needs to be some sort of emotional connection there. Every demisexual person will give you a completely different answer to what constitutes an emotional attachment, so don’t worry about that too much. All it really means is that a demisexual is probably going to take their time before they end up having sex with somebody.
We do want to point out at this point that demisexual is merely a term used to define when you experience sexual attraction. It is not a term used to signify who you are sexually attracted to. Contrary to popular belief, you can be both straight and a demisexual. You can also be gay and a demisexual. The actual sexual preference part doesn’t matter.
The demisexual flag isn’t really something that you saw much in the past, but now it is starting to appear in more and more places. There are four colors on the demisexual flag, and they are all just as important as one another:
- Black is the asexuality part of the flag. This is the form of a triangle and it crosses over the other three colors to demonstrate that they are being brought together.
- White is for those who support the demisexual community, but who are not demisexuals themselves.
- Purple signifies the demisexual community.
- Gray is for the gray asexuality community, which has a lot of overlaps with demisexuality.
You may see the demisexual flag ‘jazzed up’ on occasion, but don’t worry too much about that. Just think about the base flag, and how the four colors on the flag are all joined together to show that people are living under the auspices of asexuality, whether they are asexual or something else.
TYPES OF DEMISEXUAL SEXUALITY
When we talk about demisexuality, we are using a pretty broad definition there. For the most part, nobody is going to be that fussed if everything you know is painted under that broad definition. However, we do want to point out that in the demisexual community, there are different categories and definitions, and we are going to talk about those in the next few sections.
When you are classed as a biromantic demisexual, it means that while you are a demisexual, you are also bi at the same time. This means that you will have an attraction to both men and women. Obviously, you still have zero choices about who you are going to be attracted to. You still need to have that close emotional connection. Generally speaking, if you hang out with women more, you are more likely to end up being attracted to women. If you spend most of your time with men, then that is where you will end up.
This is the category that a good number of demisexuals fall into.
When you are a panoramic demisexual, it means that you have an attraction to anybody, although you still need that close emotional bond. You do not care about their sexuality. You do not care for their gender. It doesn’t matter what they are a transexual. You are attracted based on the strength of that emotional bond.
HOW IS GRAY ASEXUALITY DIFFERENT FROM DEMISEXUALITY?
You may find that, on occasion, the terms of demisexuality and gray asexuality are conflated. However, they are completely different concepts.
As we stated before; demisexuals will only be able to have sex with those that they have formed a close bond with. Up until that point, there will be absolutely no sexual attraction.
Gray asexuality can be seen the same with regards to the fact that somebody who is gray asexual will _not _experience sexual attraction all that often. In fact, it is going to be very, very rare for them. On the other hand, if they do end up having a sexual attraction to somebody, it does not necessarily mean that a close and personal bond has been formed. It is something that could easily happen with a complete stranger. There is absolutely no predicting when or if it is ever going to happen.
DEMISEXUAL VS PANSEXUAL: HOW DO THEY DIFFER
For some reason, a lot of people seem to include both demisexuals and pansexuals in the same group. However, they are not the same. However, you can be a demisexual and a pansexual at the same time (see the panoramic demisexual definition highlighted above).
As a pansexual, you are attracted to everybody. You tend not to be that prejudice in who you are attracted to, assuming that there is some sort of sexual attraction in place there.
Of course, as a pansexual, you can form a sexual attraction without having that emotional bond in place. Obviously, it doesn’t mean that you are going to go out there and sleep with everybody. A lot of people seem to think that being a pansexual means that you literally have a sexual attraction to everybody that you come across. This is, of course, not something that is true. Those who are pansexual still have ‘standards’ in their mind about who they are sexually attracted to.
That being said, there are similarities between both demisexuals and pansexuals too. The main being the fact that both of them are going to be marginalized groups. As we said at the start; the term demisexual is still a pretty new term to our lexicon. The same goes for pansexuality. This means that a lot of people still do not understand the terms, and a few of those who do understand the terms can get pretty damn offensive when they are talking about both of them. Thankfully, this is something that has started to change a lot in recent years, and both groups are starting to get a lot of support from those groups that are also seen as marginalized!
SIGNS OF DEMISEXUALITY
Now, here is where things can start to get a little bit complicated. This is because a lot of people do not really realize that they are a demisexual. This is partly why it is only recently that the sexual preference has been given a name. For a long while, these people may believe that the way they are thinking is the same way that everybody else seems to be thinking. Thankfully, if you think long and hard about your life and your sexual and romantic interactions, then you should get an idea as to whether you are a demisexual or not.
Perhaps one of the biggest indicators will come from who you have actually had sexual relationships with in the past, and how long it took you to be sexual with that person.
Those who fall under the category ‘demisexual’ will tend to have only slept with their friends or at least those people who they are interacting with regularly.
They are not doing one night stands. Many of these people are not going to be using dating apps either.
They prefer their dating to be with people who they have really gotten to know. That being said, this is always going to be a fairly strong way of thinking for just about everybody out there.
After all, most people do want to really have that connection with people that they are closest to. It makes sense. It is how we live as human beings, right?
Those who fall under the category demisexual also find that sex isn’t really that important to their relationship.
Obviously, they are going to enjoy sex. Most people enjoy sex. However, it is never going to be a focal point.
For demisexual people, it is all about increasing those connections that you have with people. It is that which helps the sex to feel a lot better.
This means that demisexual people will not be having sex anywhere near as often as other people.
It isn’t like they are going to shy away from it when they have formed that close emotional bond, but it does mean that the main focus is never going to be on that.
Demisexual people are never really attracted to people because of their looks. This is probably the least important thing when it comes to sexual attraction. It is all about falling in love with their personality and the like.
While it seems a little bit ‘wrong’ to say, but if you have often found that people are telling you that the people you are dating are not that great looking, then this may be a good indication that you are a demisexual.
Finally, demisexual people do date, but they do it in a different way. Some demisexual people state that the most important date for them is the first date with somebody.
There will be a lot of pressure on it because that is the first time you get to really understand a personality. Most demisexual people report that the first date will tell them whether this is somebody that they can form an emotional attachment with. If you find that you are breaking off dates after the first one, then this could indicate demisexuality.