Make friends, show tenderness and spend time together, be able to admire each other and share experiences . The secrets of a strong relationship in a couple seem simple, but in reality they are available only to those who are open and tuned in to dialogue with a partner. In addition, how to preserve the marriage and make it happy?
Well-known psychologists, personal relationships trainers and sexologists with many years of experience answer these questions. Our selection of useful books to help you cope with difficulties in family life and build harmonious relationships.
The art of loving by Erich Fromm– One of the most famous works of Erich Fromm – “The Art of Loving” – is devoted to the difficult psychological aspects of the emergence, and preservation of such a seemingly simple feeling as love by a person.
Is love really an art? If so, then it requires labor and knowledge. Alternatively, is it just a pleasant feeling?
For most, the problem of love is primarily the problem of how to be loved, and not how to love oneself.
The works of the famous German philosopher Erich Fromm had a huge impact on the development of sociology and psychology around the world. His works “Escape from freedom”, “To have or to be?”, “A man for himself” turned the minds of many people.
The philosophical treatise “The Art of Love” is a famous work of the scientist, in Fromm’s discusses how love comes and what people understand by this word, explains why most marriages fail and what mistakes are most often made in relationships. According to the author, you can learn to love in the same way as to draw or sing. In addition, most importantly, he gives precise recommendations for mastering this skill.
Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence by Esther Perel-How to maintain eroticism, sexuality and intimacy in a relationship?
Complicated. However, you can.
In addition, this is confirmed by the book “Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence” by Esther Perel.
The solution to the situations in the book is provided from conversations and sessions with those couples who came to Esther. Examples from different cultural backgrounds are also provided. The author considers sex, love and eroticism as different components of a relationship. Some of her examples, biting approach to monogamy, are not close to me personally, because there is allowed “contractual relationship” on the side.
Chapters that talk about parenting and sex occupy an important place in the book. The author confirms that the life of a husband and wife changes dramatically with the birth of a child and that we need to work in this direction in order to preserve what was so important and uniting for the couple. It happens that it is difficult to break out of the vicious circle and find the time that will bring the husband and wife closer after the birth of children, but you still need to try to find the thread that can lead to bed.
You need to give free rein to your imagination and discuss opportunities and problems with your partner if they arise.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller – The book is small, written in a relaxed, lively language, with many examples and stories. She describes a simplified, popularized version of J. Bowlby’s attachment theory. Great for non-specialists, helps to understand many aspects of human relations.
The book provides an answer to the most important question of our time: is attachment and closeness necessary for a modern person striving for independence, self-sufficiency and success. Unlike many books on popular psychology and self-help, this book has a coherent system of recommendations on what needs to be done to change your life and destiny by improving communication with others.
Getting the love you want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly– By the time they met, they both had experienced unsuccessful marriages, and were eager to understand what the main reason for the disagreement between partners was and why people who loved each other so much quarrel and break up. Moreover, they succeeded.
They created Imago Psychotherapy, a method that has helped hundreds of couples save their relationships. In this book, Harville and Helen explain how we choose a partner, why there is a misunderstanding in a couple at some point, how to deal with it, and how to come to a conscious partnership and love for life.
The book will be of interest to spouses who want to cope with existing problems and learn how to avoid new ones, those who are going to get married and do not plan to replenish divorce statistics, and everyone who wants to understand the nature of the relationship in a couple.
How to make love all the time by Barbara De Angelis– Barbara Angelis is one of the world’s most popular relationship experts and author of over 20 best-selling books. In How to make love all the time, Barbara explains how to unleash passion, charm and true femininity.
After reading this book, you will begin to live with passion, love with passion, move towards your goals with passion. Your romantic relationship will be filled with new emotions and experiences. Men will turn after you and you will be 100% sure of your irresistibility.
The new rules of marriage by Terrence Real– Terrence’s book “The New Rules Of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work” is another work claiming that the increasing freedoms of modern women at the end of the twentieth century became a problem for men. Who want to be not only good earners and protectors in a relationship, but also show their emotions.
In this regard, a new set of rules is emerging that will help men become more responsible and emotionally open, and women feel less disadvantaged and more effective.
Real defines intimacy as the process of bonding – receiving and transmitting – in five realms of human experience:
Intellectual, emotional, physical [social], sexual and spiritual, which actually correspond to the four quadrants.
The author advises men to analyze these five areas and begin training their intimacy skills.
Chapter 2 discusses five losing strategies that get in the way of intimacy:
1) The need to always be right,
2) Partner control,
3) Unlimited self-expression,
By learning not to project Basic negative images from childhood onto their partner, couples can get out of the vicious circle of losing strategies by dealing with cases of psychological boundary violations such as shouting and raising the tone, insults, attempts to shame and humiliate, attempts to tell the other what to do. , violation of agreements / agreements, lies and manipulations.
If necessary, these problems can be solved within the framework of individual psychotherapy. The New Rules for Marriage is best for couples who want to save their relationship and work on it.
The ADHD effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov – author of the book “ The ADHD effect on Marriage ” Dr. Melissa Orlov believes in her book that Difficulties in marriage arise because the clinical manifestations of ADHD – inattention, frequent distraction, disorganization, forgetfulness – can be wrong interpreted as laziness, selfishness, lack of love and care.
Adults with attention disabilities often adapt to stay organized and collected at work, but many of them experience tremendous stress at home, where their tendency to distraction and inattention is a constant source of conflict.
Although treatment often begins with drug therapy, it usually does not address the couple’s problems. Conversation therapy can be a necessary part of treatment, as it helps to get rid of years of accumulated resentment, experts say.
At the same time, one of the biggest problems can be the acceptance of a very real violation of attention, since often one of the spouses fears that the diagnosis will give the other an excuse. Meanwhile, more often than not, it is difficult for a spouse with attention deficit to understand how his behavior affects others.
Conscious loving: The journey to co-commitment by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks- Guy and Kathlyn Hendricks are psychologists and creators of a formula for successful relationships, the effectiveness of which they support with their own experience of a happy and long-lasting marriage. Guy and Kathleen have co-authored over 25 books on relationship psychology.
In Finding True Love, you will learn about proven ways to identify your inner fears that have hindered successful relationships in the past; about the “Rule of the First Ten Seconds” and how to establish sincere emotional contact when meeting an attractive person; the five types of lovers and what to avoid and what to strive for; about three unconditional “Yes” and three categorical “No”, which define our basic desires and allow us to reveal them in a new partner, as well as about many other things. For more than ten years, the methodology developed by the authors has been successfully helping thousands of people find true love!
The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts by Gary Chapman– In personal relationships, partners often do not understand each other, even despite mutual love. According to Gary Chapman, a relationship consultant, the reason for the misunderstanding between partners is that everyone expresses their feelings in their own, but often incomprehensible to the other, the language of love.
Therefore, in order for family life to become happy and fulfilling, it is necessary to determine which love language you speak and which one your soulmate speaks. Then learn the language of your partner’s love. Several important conclusions that I made from the book:
1. Each person has his own language of love, which has subspecies-dialects. There are five languages in total:
– Words of encouragement;
2. To define your love language, think about what is important to you, what actions your husband or wife do brings joy and confidence that you are loved.
3. When defining the love language of a husband or wife, remember what he complains about most often or what he is especially happy about.
4. Beginning to speak your partner’s language can be difficult. Try to ask him if you are really doing everything right. I recommend the book to everyone who wants joy, love and mutual understanding to always reign in relationships.
Hold me tight: Seven Conversations for a lifetime of love by Sue Johnson– Love is an amazing feeling that can work wonders. Why are some couples in love waging an implacable war? Without compromise, without the desire to understand each other? What is this, craving for suffering, victim syndrome? Alternatively, maybe a simple unwillingness to hear?
Sue Johnson has been working with couples for many years. The author of the book “Hold Me Tight” admits that she still has not found answers to all the questions, and continues to learn from her patients.
The book is based on the principle of emotionally focused therapy, which was developed by Johnson herself. She answers eternal questions: what is love, how to fix and save this delicate mechanism? In addition, how to keep feelings for life?
The book will be of interest to everyone who seeks to improve relationships in a couple or are desperate to find a way out of the endless maze of quarrels.
Sue Johnson gives the key to the secret door of the relationship mechanism – dialogue. Only by speaking to each other will you reach understanding. You cannot clap your hands with just one hand. You cannot mend a relationship if only one partner wants it.
In the book, you will find dialogue exercises based on the author’s experience. Use this tool to make love simple, real, happy, endless!
Marriage meetings for lasting love by Marcia Naomi Berger– Marcia Naomi Berger is a family psychologist, who talks in his book about a situation where a man gets married and soon realizes that his spouse is beginning to annoy him – of course, not constantly, but much more often than he expected. In fairy tales and romance novels, married life is easy and carefree, and happiness goes on forever, without any effort.
A happy marriage provides a sense of comfort and security, sex, companionship, support, and a sense of wholeness. It is important not to fall into the trap of believing in the image of marriage imposed by fairy tales, romantic films and romance novels.
Unrealistic expectations make us feel left. To appreciate all the good qualities of your spouse and learn to value marriage, you will have to descend from heaven to earth. The book also provides examples of a schema that can help change unrealistic ideas about marriage and strengthen relationships.
The author’s advice is to change naive ideas about marriage to more realistic ones, learn to be more tolerant of your companion in life, thus making your marriage strong and happy.
Crucial conversations: tools for talking when the stakes are high by Kerry patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMilln, Al Switzler– Your career, the fate of your company, the future of your marriage. Emotions are raging, consciousness is clouded with adrenaline, thoughts are confused, and you are tense to the limit, because you realize the importance of the situation. Your interlocutor is often in the same state. In such cases, “conventional” negotiation techniques are not that useless, but certainly difficult to apply.
How to create a trusting atmosphere in such a situation? How to be convincing and correct? What if you are overwhelmed by resentment or paralyzed by fear? How to notice in time that a conversation is getting out of control? The complete guide to successful negotiation in an emergency is in this book.
The seven principles for making marriage work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver– This book describes an experiment conducted by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. Description an ordinary apartment in which ordinary families lived, which were watched by unusual scientists. 700 “experimental” couples. 14 years of observing their lives, quarrels and reconciliations. The Most Ambitious Study of Marriage Ever. With only one goal: to find out why some marriages are strong and happy, while others are doomed to divorce.
In this book, you will learn about the prospects for your marriage. Which quarrels are harmless and which are irreparable damage to your relationship. How happy families resolve differences over money, dirty dishes and the arrival of a mother-in-law. Why emotional intelligence is more important than romance and how to develop it (for your husband).
In addition, the Magic 5 Hours a Week, a focused relationship rebuilding program that Gottman and his team have honed and tested over years of research.
Wired for love by Stan Tatkin– A book that will teach you to better understand your partner and turn relationships into a source of joy. From renowned relationship expert Stan Tatkin therapist.
When we enter into a romantic relationship, we hope that happiness will come naturally. However, it often turns out that we know very little about the person we have paired with. We have no idea how he works, what he thinks about, how he expresses love, what habits, needs he has, how he behaves in conflict situations and why.
Relationships start to hurt. What to do? First, realize that the relationship is more important than the needs of each partner. Secondly, to learn to understand each other.
Stan Tatkin synthesized knowledge from different fields, creating a psychobiological approach to couples therapy. The first area is neuroscience (the basics of how the brain works), the second is attachment theory (the biological need to connect with other people) and the third is the biology of human arousal (this is not about sexual arousal, but about the regulation of emotions).
After reading the book, you will learn:
– How to create a space for a couple, in which each partner will feel safe;
– How to balance the advantages and disadvantages of each other;
– How to become the main people for each other;
– How to revive love through eye contact;
– How to quarrel correctly and prevent conflicts;
– What rituals will help you not to lose contact;
– How to maintain sexual attraction to each other.
We are not taught to build relationships, because there is an opinion that everything should work out by itself. Stan Tatkin’s book will fill in the gaps and become a roadmap that will help you better understand your partner and yourself.
The sex-starved marriage by Michele Wiener Davis– What woman doesn’t dream of a reliable, loving and faithful life partner? About a caring and attentive partner, devoted friend and passionate lover in one person? About who will understand her perfectly and fulfill all her whims? Learn to manage men – and your dreams will come true, the author of this book is sure.
Michelle Weiner Davis will willingly share with you the techniques with which you can not only influence any man, but also change his character, habits, improve them according to your taste and desire. The advice offered by a well-known expert in the field of family relations is simple, frank, sometimes even paradoxical. Is not this the secret of their effectiveness?
Urban Tantra: Sacred sex for the twenty-first century by Barbara Carrellas– Tantric Sex is a creative tool for all ages teaching how to use Tantra to deepen the physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy between you and your partner. Aspects such as self-gratification, pre-play, sexual positions and orgasm are covered. This book teaches you how to enhance pleasure, sensuality, and satisfaction in your daily sex life, regardless of your age or having a partner. Practical exercises will help you discover your sexual potential.
Saving your marriage before it starts by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot– in this book you can learn how to properly enter into marriage. The book outlines the steps you follow to make your marriage successful – mutual understanding, financial preparation and capital skills, a good start to your sex life, etc.
Moreover, in addition to the book, you can watch a video on the Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot website, featuring real couples and sharing their feelings after reading the book.
Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda by Jennifer Hurvitz– the book tells about the other side of marriage, less successful and not always pleasant. Jennifer Hurvitz in her book talks about divorce, to a large extent from her own point of view, since she herself went through a not very easy divorce. After writing this book, she describes the less pleasant sides of divorce, in the hope that in this way she can help couples prevent this step in their relationship.
Emotionally focused couple therapy for dummies by Brent Bradley and James Furrow– Emotionally focused couple therapy is now a widely recognized method of helping couples. The authors distinguish three stages in the therapeutic process. The first traces the repeating chains of partners’ interactions around problematic topics, identifies the triggers of the conflict and the typical behavioral reactions of partners that provoke its escalation. The purpose of the second stage is to change the very stereotypes of reaction in the conflict and create an emotionally corrective experience and events that unite the couple.
At the third stage, these new reactions in the conflict allow progress in resolving many controversial issues that previously seemed insoluble. Whether to have children now, whether to buy a house outside the city, whether to invest in a wife’s career, etc. Like any method of psychotherapy, Emotionally Focused couple Therapy, of course, “heals everyone and everything,” but the responsible authors specifically stipulate the indications and contraindications for work.
The normal bar by Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte – In this book, three authors asked the question of whether there is normality in the relationship between couples, and what kind of normality do couples strive for. In addition, the book tries to refute the most important statement of the media that men are interested only in sex, although according to the data collected during the survey it turned out that this is not at all the case. Men are most interested in communication in relationships.